You’re Most Likely An Idiot and Here’s Why

lagman
Courtesy of Ottawa Uzbek Cook

You’re all idiots. You’re all ignorant fools. Your lives are just missing that one ingredient, and you know why?

No lagman.

This is a thing that you need in your life.

I completely understand if you don’t have it in your life. Innocent sheeple who have no idea what they’re doing are not to blame for their misgivings. I completely understand if you haven’t even heard of it. How could anyone know about an obscure dish from a tucked away corner of the world?

Well don’t worry. I will tell you about what it is, why you need it, and also how to get it.

Lagman is love. lagman is life. It is the food of the gods, the sustenance of the wise, and the joy of Central Asia. It is a simple yet amazing dish found (to my knowledge) in Northwest China and Kyrgyzstan, an every day dish made by the Uyghur people, a Turkic people from Central Asia.

Imagine your bog standard pot noodle and those thin wiry noodles. Now completely forget those you idiot. Standard dry egg noodles are as shower clogging clumps of hair are to laces of purest gold.

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Real noodles are little short of purest gold. They are much fatter than fake noodles, probably similar round surface area to a plastic straw but twice as long. They are much more smooth as well and if prepared well are moist and succulent. To feel one’s teeth sink into such a delicacy is nothing short of heaven. By far better than the worthless contents of plastic packets lining supermarket shelves. Homemade with the loving care fit for raising the sweetest puppy or a precious child, these noodles are a work of art. Forget actual silk, this is what the silk road was really about.

Now imagine, the human mind may find such loveliness hard to comprehend, a whole pile of these. Yes a whole pile. A bowl full to be exact. I know what you’re thinking, how could such pure wonder be concentrated into such a small space? Believe me it’s possible.

Oh but it doesn’t end there. Imagine these noodles covered in the stir fry of heaven. Tomatoes, green beens, Chinese cabbage, potatoes, peppers, onions and garlic, all the most sacred of vegetables are lovingly added to the best stew on the planet, nigh in all existence. All fried in oil until succulent. However as if these vegetables aren’t enough for sheer perfection, picture another thing for me.

Mutton. Not lamb. Mutton. The meat of a sheep. A sheep. Not a lamb a sheep. You can get much more meat off a sheep than a lamb, any idiot knows this. And you want the good stuff, all the fatty bits and the most tender bits of mutton from the carcass. In Britain our obsession with lamb robs us of so much goodness. Having access to cheap mutton should be the law in this country but that’s for later.

The mutton in lagman is marinaded in cumin and chilli powder for a few hours before cooking, infusing the already beautiful meat with the true essence of divinity. The blessed stuff is the first thing one adds to the stir fry after the onions, setting the pan ablaze with a rich muttony, cuminy taste. Then all the aforementioned vegetables are added and simmered.

Take this time to reflect on your life and meditate over your previous culinary experiences…. and confess that they are all a foolish waste of your time. Then repent of your sins so that you might be worthy to accept the coming feast.

The stew is done, heavens door is ajar a few inches away from you. You get a ladle and plunge it into the pan. Then you apply it to the noodles, waiting patiently in a bowl nearby.

Your work is done.

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Heaven is before you.

I am reminded of a verse from Isaiah about the Year of the Lords Favour. Here is the first glimpse of that.

The perfect blend of spice and stodge sits before you. You will never again feel satisfied by any other meal you eat. It sits in your stomach, providing weight and satisfaction like no other dish in the entire world. Think of it as your firm rock and foundation, the thing that keeps you rooted to the good earth.

Ok.

I hope I’ve made myself clear then. Hopefully you will all educate yourselves now and seek out this goodness. Follow this link to receive the good news straight into your own kitchen, or make a pilgrimage towards this restaurant so that your life may be whole again.

Bless you all.

P.s. I’m ashamed to say it, but packeted Udon noodles are the closest thing I can come to to get these noodles without hours of painstaking labour

(Sources for the last two photos are Bois De Jasmin and Uyghur Bread respectively)

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